I am often asked what the most important leadership skill is, and my response is always the same: self-leadership. Why? Effective leadership of others is only possible when one is an effective leader of oneself. Everything flows from that.
Self-leadership encompasses various components, including self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and resilience, among others. In terms of competencies, we focus on three keys to self-leadership: the ability to self-reflect, the ability to self-correct, and the ability to move on!
Leaders who continually work on these skills are able to operate from a position of choice rather than reaction. Reactions are automatic, outside our control, and often cause more problems. If you ask yourself questions such as: “Why do I do that?” “Why did I say that?” “Why am I like this?” consider the possibility that you lack self-awareness and need to work on self-reflection.
Journaling is a tool to self-reflect; however, the way you journal also matters. I have found the following steps to be the most productive approach to self-reflection:
- Check-in with your feelings and use a list of feeling words to precisely identify where you are. (Such lists are ubiquitous online; any list will do.)
- With that awareness, track the feeling back to two things:
- The event that “caused” or triggered the feeling
- Your immediate thought about the event (You may have to dig for this, as “automatic thoughts” are often subconscious.)
- Armed with this insight, you are now ready to investigate that thought and choose whether or not it serves you in your current life. Automatic thoughts are often embedded when we are young; as such, they are often misunderstandings or inaccuracies that we grow up believing are capital-T truths about ourselves.
This brings us to the second competency, self-correction, which involves putting self-awareness (born of self-reflection) into action through choice.
Here is an illustration: A coaching client expresses a need to receive performance feedback non-defensively. When asked if he is aware of responding defensively, the response is, “Oh yeah, I’ve always been that way; it’s just how I am.” His statement suggests an awareness of his behavior. Had he self-corrected based on that awareness, he would not have brought the concern forward as a need for coaching. My challenge as his coach is to connect the dots between his fixed mindset and actual outcomes at work. Working with him to consider the possibility of a different response to feedback will open the door to exploring the root causes of defensive behavior and trying out a different approach that gets him different results. Then, he will have disproven the previous belief that he can’t change.
The third element is the ability to move on, which, viewed by most executives I’ve coached, is the toughest aspect of self-leadership. However, the stakes are high if one doesn’t achieve this last step. In many cases, it is difficult to move on if a strong emotion is tied to the situation. For example, if you made a mistake at work, you might feel exposed, embarrassed, or angry with yourself. Perhaps the mistake was due to something outside your control, which makes you feel frustrated or blamed. Those are all strong emotions that make it difficult to move on. But as a leader, you need to learn the lesson(s), forgive, and focus forward. Reflect on these questions:
- What’s got me stuck about this situation? What is difficult for me to move on from?
- What do I need to own about it, and what is outside my control?
- Whom do I need to forgive here? Myself? Others?
- What are the key learnings I can/must take from this before I let it go?
Overcoming patterns around moving on takes time. Strong patterns that are challenging to break are usually attached to deeply held beliefs about ourselves and/or the world, values, and emotions. Unlike habits, patterns can seem intractable. However, through self-reflection and envisioning a desired outcome, we can do it. Being kind to ourselves in the process will make it that much easier.
At Capacity Group, we focus on helping leaders unleash their full potential. To learn more about how to build your self-leadership ability, please reach out. We’d love to assist you!